Dyslexics are teople poo!
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There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
ok like just. call me at this point
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
LOOOOOOL
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.