E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
You Might Also Like
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
(by @ZachWeiner )
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them