E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.