E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
lol
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having