E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”