E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My humor is broken
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.