Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

👽

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking