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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
This meal prepping shit easy
“our sushi is very fresh”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
who named him groot and not spruce lee
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.