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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight