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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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when a toddler tells a story
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
fourth time’s the charm
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”