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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
getting seasonal up in here
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops