Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single