Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

I am, perchance

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.