E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Just a friendly reminder!
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me