Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

make up your mind

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now