E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.