E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
This rocks
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.