Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

😂😂😂

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time