E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My dating profile:
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
yeet
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak