Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?