Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓