Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS