Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

A game married people play.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Something Saturday.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.