Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

🤣🤣🤣

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me