Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.