each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
