Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

shit just got real