Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

idk what he going thru but i feel him

i smell a pulitzer

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?