Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’