@Brentweets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

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@jessokfine

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

@HoarseWisperer

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

@Knob_ish

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

@jenlaw_11

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

@Boo_berries_

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

@thenatewolf

“Pa rump pum pum pum?”

“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”

@Six_Pack_Mom

The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.