Each second of this is more amazing than the last
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[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“i miss shittin on people”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
For those that worship cheese..
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts