Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.