Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
OH. COME. ON.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
What personal space?
My dog
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
