Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
bros in the example zone 😭
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks