Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?