Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.