Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
You Might Also Like
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
When you let grandma cat sit
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.