Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”