Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Cannot stop laughing at this
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it