Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

The Wolf of Wall Street.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

i’m still crying at this

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”