Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
You Might Also Like
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.