Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now