Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

knights of the ikea table