Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
You Might Also Like
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
What do you text your spouse?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE