Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

this is a sign that you need a union

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

me after i passed that state trooper

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

what?

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?