Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

“We will wed,” I threatened

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.