Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
just having fun
