Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
thinking about a very short hotdog
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!