Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Boating season is upon us.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
