Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

sir, my pâté if you please