Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Every
Single
Year

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.