Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

I’m not average. I’m mean.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Does your wife know you’re single?

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

That’s amazing.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.