Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.