Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
