Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
You Might Also Like
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?