Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
no way 😭
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Interior design 👌
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.