Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?