Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.