Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
You Might Also Like
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?