Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes