earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
how high up are we talkin’?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
