earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
*skinny dips into black hole
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
😭😭
