earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
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“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.