earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Got him!
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?