earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
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Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.