earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
True story 🤣
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.