Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes