Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me driving through Toronto
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.