Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.