Early bird gets the worm

2nd mouse gets the cheese

3rd cow gets the grass

All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.

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How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.


How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*



A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.


i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”


*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.


[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE


*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*


Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?