How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Early bird gets the worm
2nd mouse gets the cheese
3rd cow gets the grass
All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.
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How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Ref: Call it in the air..
Me: A QUARTER.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.