Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

I’m giving up ice.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?