Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.