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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that