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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
and now we wait
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”